I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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