I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
