I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
