weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
