We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
