he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
