i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
