I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
