Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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