Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
