i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
