Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
