I puked a lego.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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