just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
