Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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