don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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