I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
