seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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