new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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