I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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