Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
