How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
