I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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