I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
