Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
