did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
