My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
