if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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