I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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