She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
