This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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