i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
