So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
