I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
