I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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