After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
