I wish I could teleport
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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