I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
