So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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