Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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