Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
