i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
