I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
