i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
