I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
