i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
