We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What a dumb baby whore.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
