connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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