Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
