I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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