The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
