Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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